The Breakup: A Table Setting for Breakfast

It's odd the things that stick in your mind when you're deciding whether to end a relationship. I can't remember when it started exactly, but for a few years now, I've set out everything my partner needs for his breakfast. I'm always the first to leave in the mornings. I make the coffee and set his plate, bowl, napkin, spoon, coffee cup and a packet of sweetner on the counter.

But now that I'm trying to distance myself, this little act has taken on a huge significance. Lately I've been leaving the house without setting out his stuff. After all, he can do it himself! Of course, he notices and says how he likes it when I make this simple gesture. But one morning I found myself in this terrible dilemma. The night before, we'd had a decent talk, and I guess i was in a better, more forgiving mood. I literally stood there in the kitchen debating whether to put out the dishes or not. For me, putting them out signified all was forgiven; but not doing it felt like I was being too stubborn.

In the end, I chose not to. All is not forgiven. Maybe it will be, at some point. Last night, I asked him, "Why is this time different? How do I know the drinking won't start again." My partner says he can kick it by sheer force of will; he loves me, he says, and doesn't want to lose me. But I just don't know if I can forgive and forget again. Until I can, he gets his own breakfast dishes.

Please Tell Me I'm Not a Conservative!

Does it ever shock you when you find yourself agreeing with the "other side?" Now this gets into politics, and I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but--I'm having a political identity crisis!

Yesterday I was eating lunch and reading a local paper that happens to have a conservative bent. Why was I even reading it, you ask? The reason is the paper does a good job of local coverage, but the editorial slant is so obviously conservative that I only pick it up every few weeks out of curiosity.

The editor is talking about the recent ousting of the Honduran president (oh wait, did I just lose you?)--and I actually agreed with him! I'll make this short. From what I understand, Pres. Manual Zelaya wanted to have another term, which was a constitutional no-no. He tried to change that, but both the Honduran Congress and Supreme Court said, "You're outta here!" They've installed a temporary president until elections can be held.

Here's where it gets tricky. In the U.S., this is being labeled a "coup" because the Honduran military raided Zelaya's home and tossed him out of the country, albeit with the backing of the Supreme Court and Congress. Most world leaders have condemned this action. So this conservative local paper was asking, "What gives?"--and I found myself agreeing! Even in the U.S. we can remove a president through a specific process with other branches of government. So, was it the voice of the Honduran people or not?

Of course, nothing's that simple, as I found out when doing more research. Sounds like Zelaya had lots of enemies and they drove him out, using "the democratic process" to further their own ends. *sigh*

Fortunately, I don't think I'm turning conservative. But this is what happens when you stop listening to the news or doing your own research! The local paper obviously hasn't done its homework--it was just spouting rhetoric. Be careful, my friends, and question everything!

To Honduras--Bueno suerte! (good luck)

Boys of Summer 09 #3: Let's Go for a Swim!

Is it me, or did it just suddenly get hotter?

A Weekend to Myself

My partner headed home to see family, a few hours away, and--thankfully--I have the weekend all to myself. Which I SO need. Things are civil at the moment, and he's still on his best behavior. Still no drinking. In fact, yesterday we ended up at last-minute birthday for a friend; we met at a restaurant/bar, and he didn't even have 1 drink, despite everyone else enjoying themselves. That's huge. Since we couldn't stay for dinner, I thought we'd invite everyone over later for some of the blackberry cobbler I had made. A few friends came over with bottles of wine, but my partner held his ground.

Later we talked and he said he wished could have a drink with the rest of us, like he used to. He said he knew that if he did, however, he wouldn't be able to stop. So that's good news, right? I wonder if he's finally turning a corner---but I'm skeptical. I have to protect myself. I need to see more progress, more change, more evidence. Going home to his family usually triggers more drinking, so we'll see what his mood is like when he returns home Sunday night. In the meantime, I'm going to take a long, deep breath and probably get in some time on the motorcycle to clear my head.

Evening Primrose in Bloom!

These flowers are so fun to watch as they bloom. You literally see them unfurl open right before your eyes--pop! The blooms open at dusk, which is around 8:45 right now, and then last just the one night. They die back in the sun the next day, but more blooms pop each day. Plus, the plants put out tons of seeds, so you'll have even more the next year! They also have a faint lemony fragrance.

Learn more here!

Wedding Update, Plus Blessing a Friend's Home

These druids in the pic have the coolest outfits! Apparently, they're conducting a sort of blessing--which is similar to what I'll be doing next week! I'm traveling to visit a friend who recently moved into a new home on her family's farm, and I've put together a blessing ritual for her house and the land. Can't wait! I really enjoyed learning all the various ritual techniques from the shamanic mystery school, and it's so fun to put it into practice.

At one time, I thought blessings and rituals in general were silly, but that was just my twisted Protestant upbringing talking. Rituals are fun! All the pre-Christian religions did it, and the more liturgical Christian sects still do it today, such as Catholics and Episcopalians. And a lot of those Christian rituals even have pagan roots.

By the way, no word from the bride that I emailed last week about conducting her wedding. I guess she's found someone else. Oh well, there will be others!

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 2

A little update. Since Monday morning, my partner has been on his best behavior, doing all those things around the house that he's usually too tipsy to care about. He's also been sending thoughtful text messages, emails and so on. Which is great--but I asked him why it has to get this bad for him to be this good. He also hasn't touched a drop of alcohol. Meanwhile, I've been slowly pushing him away, still sleeping separately, no "hi honey" kisses, not much conversation and generally doing my own thing without asking. I figure we're just roommates now.

I knew this would all get to him, and it did last night. Not that I'm trying to play a game, but I'm serious, and he needs to understand things have to change. So he basically corners me last night and began asking me where we go from here. We had a nice talk, but I kept my distance. He says he now knows he has to change and that he can no longer drink. That's huge--except I doubt his ability to just decide and never drink again. I kept suggesting he talk to our pastor, another counselor, a friend or attend an AA meeting. He seemed to be listening, but we'll see.

When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most thoughtful person, and it kills me to push him away. I just want to reach out and embrace him, tell him it will be ok and that I'll be there for him. But I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so angry, so tired, so hurt, so tired of it all. He wants me to move back into our bedroom, but I said no. But what if he does begin to change, what if he does get help, what if he never drinks again? Do I forgive once again? Right now, I just am unable to do so.

Coneflower in Bloom!

Took this pic last night of the (pitiful) purple coneflower, or echinacea, in our garden. I say pitiful because if it weren't for the deer, these would be much more full by now. The deer munched on the earliest buds. But now it's back, and I guess the deer have found tastier fare elsewhere. If you haven't grown any of these yourself, give them a try. They're beautiful, hardy and typically easy to grow.

I also will post pics of our blooming evening primrose--which also survived "Attack of the Critters!"

My Shaman Staff and Fine Jewelry

I think I had mentioned that for my interfaith minister ordination and the final workshop of the shamanic mystery school, I made special jewelry to wear and my first shaman staff. Was happy with how everything turned out (I'm a regular at Michael's now!), so here are a few pics.

Since the mystery school was based on the 7 chakras, I wanted to make a necklace that incorporated all the stones representing those chakras. I used mostly crystal chip necklaces that we had been given during the workshops. You can buy similar chakra necklaces but I felt making it myself would be much more personal, especially using those crystals that were given as gifts. The dolphin pendant I did buy, and it represents my life-long connection to water. The 2 bone pieces on either side plus the metallic spacers were all purchased at a local jewelry shop. To the right is a matching anklet--since I wore my sarong, my legs and feet were bare and, hey, I needed some more bling! The oval pieces are moonstone, and the squares are agate.

A Shaman Staff and Symbolism
The next pics are of my shaman staff, what every REAL shaman needs, of course! Actually, no, you don't NEED a staff to be a shaman, but they are cool. Practically, a staff provides support (duh!) and it helps break me out of my mundane mindset; you could say it magnifies creativity and helps facilitate my connection with nature, spirits and energy (if you believe in that kind of thing *wink*). Mythically, a staff symbolizes higher forms of communication, the axis between heaven and earth, the universal tree of life, and is an antenna to receive, direct and channel energy; essentially, a staff is an extension of your own personal energy and purpose.


See--don't you want a shaman staff now? I haven't yet used it to get water out of a rock a la Moses in the Bible, but maybe soon!

I found the branch in my own yard, and as soon as I picked up it (preparing to toss it on the trash heap)--I felt a little jolt, if you will, and knew it was to be my staff. The wood is maple, which often symbolizes connections to people and nature, bringing things together and attracting positive spirits. All that seemed appropriate for my ordination and my new path.

So I sanded it down and layered on some coats of varnish. At each end, I wrapped copper wire for attracting energy. In the top, I drilled a hole and used a glue gun to attach a quartz crystal--stand back!

A Staff Should Tell Your Spiritual Story
I read somewhere that ritual tools are particularly effective on a subconscious level if they tell a personal story, something spiritual. At the top and bottom of the staff are strands of wooden beads (see 2nd pic close-up). Going from bottom to top, the bead colors symbolize steps along my spiritual path to date. Brown and black represent nature and space, interests that inspired wonder in me as a child; the beige represents clouds/confusion/fogginess and how I wandered from this path; the red symbolizes the blood of Christ and my time as a Christian; the white shows me coming into the light and clear sight, which is where I am now; last, the blue beads represent my birth stone (sapphire) and getting back to what is authentically me.

Baubles, Bangles and More Beads
You can't really see them here, but I used blue ribbon and silvery wire pendants to represent my connection to water. I also attached a bell or two (for the drama!) and a golden leaf pendant, representing nature and the earth.

This last pic shows a strand that includes feathers (my vulture totem plus the concept of spiritual flight), a wooden cross (Christianity), a blue capiz shell piece (water, again) and moonstone (often associated with wolves, my other totem, of course!).

That's more than you probably ever wanted to know, but thanks for indulging me. These were all quite fun to create, and I can't wait to see what my next craft/ritual tool is going to be!

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 1

Not sure how to start this, but--I'm leaving my partner. It's over, done, kaput.

Except it isn't over, not yet. You don't just flip a switch after almost 15 years and call it quits. So what do you do? I realized that it's been a long, long while since I had ended any relationship, and I don't even know how to get started.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably wondering what happened to tip the scales this time. You may remember I mentioned in passing that our beach vacation was awful. I didn't post the details because it was just more of the same, and I was a little embarrassed, frankly, that I was still with him. It all stems from his alcoholism, which he refuses to acknowledge in any serious way.

We had a good July 4th weekend, and yet something kept gnawing at me in the back of my mind, telling me it wouldn't last. And it didn't. We attended a cookout Sunday evening. He drank but seemed ok. But back home, he kept drinking. Meanwhile I was busy puttering around the house. Then I started to notice he was stumbling and couldn't keep his balance, and I knew... Rather than flip out, I chose to focus on what I was doing. I gave up trying to change him a while ago. Then he appeared to be either asleep or passed out on the sofa. It was late, and I just decided to go to bed. A bit later when I came back into the room to turn off the lights and check doors, I noticed he was headed out the door to our deck. When I asked him what he was doing, he teetered around and stared at me all inebriated. He said he was going to the bathroom. Now this would be funny if it weren't so sad. I reminded him the bathroom was in the back of the house, not outside. It took a moment for it to register, and then he found his way to the toilet.

So it had happened again. Nothing very dramatic, but I decided I'm done. The next morning, of course, he remembered nothing. I've moved all my stuff into the guest room and have been sleeping there. But now what?

We've talked some, and he's apologized profusely and said how he doesn't deserve me and I'm the greatest thing ever and he loves me. And I told him that isn't enough anymore. He's even admitted he needs some kind of help--but I know he won't do anything. He's merely upset that he got caught and that I got angry and he's suffering the consequences. When we talked last night, it was odd--strangely calm, cold, robotic even. I could barely bring myself to say anything. I don't want it to end, dammit! He's a good person and I love him! Yet this isn't working any longer. I don't want this life, not rescuing him from himself.

But practically, I'm stuck. Because of the debt we incurred after his stroke and his loss of income due to the bad real estate market, we have no money. I'm also making less money than last year. I have a tiny bit saved that might take care of 1 or 2 months rent and expenses, but then what? The mortgage is in both our names, but neither one of us can afford the house alone, so we'll have to sell. Yeah, and in this market, how long will that take?

I'm kind of numb right now. I know what I have to do, yet I'm dreading every step of it. I have to begin consciously and intentionally pushing him farther and farther away or I'll end right back in this situation again. I can't move in with family, but there may be a friend or two who has extra room. I know a house is just a house--but damn, I love this house. And The Grove! The land is what I will miss the most. Maybe I can find something comparable, but just the idea of holing up in some condo or apartment after living here is just painful to think about. What about the creek, the lake, the trees and all the critters I've come to know? Sure, I know they'll be fine without me--but will I be fine without them?

On an intellectual level, of course I will. If it's time to move on, then it's time. I feel like I was led to Brandtlund Grove, and so I have to believe that spirit will lead me on to the next place where I need to be.

Advice anyone? I still have to go home, wash clothes, cook dinner, pay bills and deal with all that stuff that binds my partner and I together. I need to start severing those bonds...somehow. I know what I've said to my partner hasn't taken hold yet; he still thinks I'll forgive and forget one more time. Hoo boy, I have a feeling this is going to be long, dramatic and messy.